"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails." Proverbs 19:21
I'm having a hard time figuring out how to dive into this post. I wouldn't say I have been dreading writing about this, but there is a very personal theme here, so having anxiety might be a better way to put it. The reason I feel it is important to include this in the blog is to discuss the lesson that God taught us while we went through this struggle. I also want my children to understand the depth of our love for them and what we experienced while trying to add them to our family. Here goes...
It was at some point in 2003 that we decided we were ready (as far as we knew) to start building this marriage into a family. It is very important to note that both Emily and I are what you would consider "Type A" personalities. I am not too sure what that means so I think I will go build a spreadsheet to analyze and contrast the positives and negatives to what it could mean. Basically, we were planners. This was not left out of the process when we decided to start having kids. We assumed that once we started trying to get pregnant then we would be blessed with a little Emily or Jimmy exactly 40 weeks later. I think God decided to sit in on that meeting and He realized it was time to teach us a very valuable lesson as to who is the one in control of our lives. We were in the middle of his classroom and had no idea.
The first month came and we rushed out to Drug Warehouse to buy an EPT. Negative? Really? Okay, no big deal - I am sure it was a little too bold to assume it would happen that first month. Month two goes by. Month three. Month four. Month 10, etc. This was way out of bounds for us. What was happening? Was something wrong? Would we ever be able to have kids? For the many, many couples who have gone through this, they can attest that it is one of the biggest mind jammers that you can have. The future you have planned of a big, happy family is in limbo. Lots of time spent talking, thinking, and month after month of disappointment would be a major part of this time period.
After a year we decided it was time to make an appointment with a specialist to see what our options were. We were going to have children one way or the other, no matter what. We visited with the doctor and according to her, there was not a reason why we should not be able to conceive naturally. Great news, but still no definite plan --- this was not fitting in with how we operate in the marriage. Now we know several people that had to wait much, much longer that we did to have children, but this was our story and we were not taking it well. When you get to that point with a "project" right before you decide to give up, you typically are much more open to radical ideas. We decided it was time to stop thinking about it and just let go. We took that burden off of our backs and finally gave it over to God to be in control of. It was at this point that we bought the Jeep from E-Bay. We had to do something to get our minds off of this trial. I think that might have made God smile. Maybe we were starting to "get it".
A few months after we returned from New York with the Jeep, and our minds off of our goal (for the most part), we decided to run up to Dollar General (after buying so many tests, you end up going the cheap route) and buy another test since the calender suggested it might be a good idea. What a day that was. During these test, I would always stand outside of the bathroom while Emily was "doing her thing" so I could be there to see the results with her. The seconds ticked by as a very faint line appeared that we had never seen before. Our eyes followed this sequence: The test / each other's eyes / the test / the test / the test. If I remember correctly, this happened on a Saturday. We would have to wait until Monday to go to the doctor for confirmation. Just one more shot at us, huh? That was okay - in our minds everything was about to change for the better. "Our" plan was taking shape, finally.
There are not many walks back to the car that I remember in my life, but I definitely remember that walk after the nurse confirmed that Emily was pregnant and gave us the anticipated due date. The walk was emotional, yet quiet until we got in the car and shut the doors. We looked at each other and the tears started to come when we uttered the words, "We are really going to have a baby". WOW - after a year and a half this was actually happening!
We did a good job of only telling a handful of friends and family early on. We would be thankful for this a few short weeks later. Emily was 7 weeks along when I received a phone call from her while I was at work. Through an obviously shaken voice, she told me that she was on her way home from teaching because she noticed that things were happening that should not have been. I met her at home and we quickly drove to the ultrasound technician's office. After a brief nerve-filled half-hour in the waiting room, we were escorted back to a room where Emily put on a gown to be examined. As the tech moved the mechanism over Emily's stomach, we both sat there in silence hoping against what we feared. Then she said it - "I can't find a heartbeat". Just like that. This set off a silent rage inside my head: There is no heartbeat? No! We are not going to have a baby? Why? Silence. This is when I looked up at Emily and saw the disappointment in her face and her eyes beginning to have moisture meet them. The tech left the room for Emily to change. We embraced and at that moment, my thoughts and concerns shifted to her. How would she handle this? What would this mean for the future. If you haven't picked up on it yet, there were a lot of emotions and questions from this day - by far the worst day of our lives.
After we got home, Emily laid on the couch saying she needed to take a nap and I told her I would run up to Wal-Mart to get some things that we would need during the recovery process. Truth is, we both just needed some time alone to process the events of the day in our own way. On the way, I called my sister to tell her the news. I could only make it through one sentence: "We lost it" I had to hang up and pull over on the street that I had driven so many times in my life. I cried on the shoulder of that road and prayed to understand why we had to go through this.
The day kept getting more surreal. At Wal-Mart I had to leave my cart in the aisle and get out of there. Every person I passed with kids stole my attention and added to my feeling of being lost in the situation. How did they deserve children and not me? This taught me a lesson in itself: We have NO IDEA what that person we encounter in any random situation is going through. I try to think about that day if I get frustrated while driving behind someone or waiting on someone to get their stuff together in a store. Why do I think I am so much more important than they are? What struggle are they battling that has caused them to lose their attention to the task at hand? My selfish nature needs to simply "chill out" sometimes.
Now, when you think of those musicians who produce music that reaches straight into your heart, I think it is obvious that there is one name that jumps to the top of that list in most people's minds: That's right - I'm talking about Kid Rock. Just hang in there and I promise it will make sense... On the drive back home, I turned on the radio as a forgettable song was ending to be followed by the hit of that time for an artist that is known more for, well, let's just say he ain't singing in any choir on Sundays. Kid Rock's "Only God Knows Why" started playing through my speakers and landed right in my heart. That same question we had been asking all day crept back into my brain, "Why?" We thought (key word) that we had been doing everything we were supposed to do. Again - why? Well, according to Mr. Rock's song it is only God who knows why. More tears and then a revelation that we had to go with this. It was the only way to make sense of what was happening. God had to have a plan or a reason. Our only option was to put our hope, disappointment, and belief into his care. We had to believe. We still believe.
After you deal with something so personal as a miscarriage, your eyes become open to a multitude of other people that have gone through the same experience. It is something that is generally not talked about in your run of the mill conversation, but I personally was amazed at the number of people that told us they had endured the same thing. Most of them went through it more than once. This does not make your own experience easier, but it does help you realize you are not alone and allows you to see how their situation turned out to build on your hope and faith that God would provide. I hope this does not come across sounding like I think God made us go through this to simply teach us a lesson. I do not believe that is his style. We will never really know why this happened to us, and we are now okay with that. Through turning over our situation to God on this matter, He helped us take away one positive. We were able to get pregnant. Now there was something we could build on. A year and a half later, Brady Clay Lawhorn was a part of our family.
One last thing that I feel is worth adding: I read a book a few months back called "Heaven is Real". The best selling book is supposed to be a true story and follows the events of a young boy who, while undergoing surgery, experienced heaven and talked to God. The reason it became a book instead of an eyebrow raising party story is that a couple of months after the operation he was able to tell his parents things that there is no way he should have known like what they were doing in the waiting room during his surgery, what his late grandfather he had never met looked like, etc. The thing that caught my attention was when they discussed him meeting his sister in heaven. His sister was actually miscarried yet the boy was never told that. The boy's parents took that to mean that there was a real chance that they would finally get to meet that child in heaven one day.
To anyone who has gone through this experience, that will make you re-think some things. Will we one day meet that little one and the one from a later miscarriage we had when we get to heaven? Will Brady, Alex, and Katelynn (who are here because of the perfect timing of when they were born) one day meet two more siblings? Who knows? I could tell you who does, but I am guessing you already know :)
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Friday, July 15, 2011
Just a couple of D.I.N.K.S
Our senior year flew by as newlyweds. I was hired by Blue Bell between semesters and since I knew my job was awaiting me, that second semester was massively stress free! Emily would have to interview for a math teaching position, but we were not too worried about that. We ended our college careers on a high note as we attended graduation together and walked the stage one after the other. It was very cool to be waiting in Gallagher-Iba Arena (the "rowdiest arena in the nation" - or at least it was before we started to stink at basketball) in the middle of a portion of the graduating class while sitting next to your wife. I probably don't think back to that time as often as I should since we helped each other reach that milestone together for three of the four years. It was no big deal that I did not go to OSU my freshman year, I mean, all I missed was the basketball team going to the Final Four. What the heck??? Just kidding there in case my parents (AKA College Financial Backers) ever read this :) I really can't say enough how thankful I am to have had parents that put me through college, so one year of Junior College was the right move. I am pretty sure in 12 years I will be even more appreciative of this. There, that should smooth things over :)
Our first few years after college seem like a long, long, time ago. I loved my job at Blue Bell and Emily was enjoying working as a middle school math teacher in the school system that I grew up in. A few years into her teaching, she had an opportunity to be an assistant coach for the varsity girls basketball team. (Side note to my kids - If you ever get an opportunity to be fortunate enough to be asked to be involved in any type of organization where you can help shape kids, do it.) The best part of coaching was getting to know the head coach, Dean Pierce and his lovely wife Claudia. Watching how they carried themselves and loved each other was a huge influence in our lives and we are thankful to have been able to share that experience with them.
Here is a shocker - I was never a fan of watching any girls sports, but attending these games and getting to know the team was a blast. The girls were all different in their own ways, but a bond was formed during those years that probably affected the coaches more than the girls. I was extremely proud of Emily for stepping up the the challenge on this. I believe her role was best on display during the Tournament of Champions in Tulsa, which was played at the ORU Mabee Center and was televised in the Tulsa area. I was sitting a few rows back from the team during a timeout of the game taking a drink of whatever watered down soda I had bought at the concession stand when I looked up to see what they were showing on the Jumbo Tron. All of a sudden the camera panned to the team's huddle and there was a close-up of my sweet little wife with her finger in the face of a couple of the players (I don't remember who right now but I have a pretty good guess) and she was absolutely lighting them up. I was never more proud, or frightened :)
It was around this time that one of Emily's uncles used the term DINKS to describe us. I had never heard of this term but no fear, it was explained to me rather quickly with the definition of "Dual Income, No Kids". It fit rather well. During those years before kids, in my opinion, we managed our time together very well, but made several "what were we thinking" mistakes. I'm not going to say we bought a vacuum from a door to door salesman, but we bought a vacuum from a door to door salesman (head down in shame). We were however able to continue to get to know each other and connect at an even deeper level than before, which I believe helped us out later on when we did finally move into that next stage in our lives. We had a lot of fun, too. One time we decided we wanted to buy a Jeep Wrangler so we got on E-Bay and bought one that night out of New York City. We were crazy nervous when we hit that "bid now" button but I will never forget the look on her face when we realized we bought it. We flew to NYC, picked up the Jeep, when to opening day at Yankees Stadium, stopped in Atlantic City, and drove all the way back to Oklahoma. I miss that Jeep every summer since then.
Those were the kinds of things we would do as a "team" and we loved it. We were able to go on other fun trips/ adventures together and we even used to go to a place that they used to have called a movie theater. I hear rumors that some towns still have these but I have not seen one in quite a while so I think they must have gone away around the same time that "restaurants" disappeared.
Like I said, this was an incredible time in our lives, but after 5 years we decided that we were ready to proceed with that next "natural" step in our married lives. We just had no idea how long that step was going to take...
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Big Sunday, Bigger Handshake
So there I was, all by myself in a new town, new school, and embarking on a new chapter of my life in Stillwater, OK. One day after moving into my dorm room at Oklahoma State University for my Sophmore year, I sat in the parking lot of Stillwater Church of Christ wondering what this first Sunday in Stillwater would bring to my life. I had no idea...
The first Sunday of each school year is referred to as "Big Sunday" and is a celebration of the students returning to town for college. Because of this, instead of the usual class for college students taking place in the seperate "University Center" building we had a large combined class in the auditorium. I walked in and met a few people and then took my place in the back half of the pews. During class, I noticed a stunning head of hair (give me a break, I could only see the back of her head at this point) sitting a few rows in front of me. I kept watching her throughout the class and noticed at one point when the preacher mentioned that he knew we would all soon be busy studying for class, she gave a sly smirk to her friend next to her and I thought, "Oh no, she's a party girl" Emily a party girl -- wow I still have to laugh at that one.
After church, there was a group standing around talking and I noticed she was there also. Of course, I had to enter that circle. As I shook her soft, smooth hand and we introduced ourselves, I could not think of anything other than how amazingly her eyes sparkled when she smiled. Unfortunately, this also included not paying attention to what she said her name was. This came back to haunt me later that day when she and her roommate met me to take me on a tour of the campus. I had to ask her what her name was again. What a doofus, I know. She still brings that epic, suave move up every once and a while.
From that day on, we were always together. We experienced what I still consider to be the most exponential years of maturity and spiritual growth together. What an amazing group of people we had around us at the University Center. It was a time of fun, learning, bonding, and growth and we had the best group around to share that with. We were all at a state university with nobody telling us what we needed to do, but we gravitated towards each other and helped push each other and build foundations of faith that would shape how we would live our lives, and manage our families, in the future.
We got married during the summer between our Junior and Senior year. I still remember how nervous I felt that day while waiting in the back of the church for the preacher to tell us it was time to walk out and take our places. Everyone so kindly confirmed how nervous I looked, but the real reason I looked that way was because when I walked to my place on the stage, I looked at the front row and saw both of my parents with tears in their eyes. I had to look around at anything else in that church besides them. I began shifting my eyes and head around looking like a human bobble head, and then my eyes found her. I could see her through the window in the back doors standing with her father. She smiled at me and I knew that this was about to change everything. She walked down the aisle, I took her hand, I swatted at a fly in her hair, we exchanged vows, and then we became husband and wife, then we smooched.
A wife of faith is an enormous blessing to your marriage. By sharing the love, courage, and obedience to God together, you can get through anything that comes your way in life. This is not to say that you both won't struggle in your walk or get into arguments, it is just that it is easier to get out of those arguments when you know what the actual tie is that binds you. That common denominator in your marriage is the key. One of our favorite Bible versus is Ecclesiastes 4:9 "Two are better than one... If either of them falls, the other will be there to lift them up".
Asking Emily to be my wife was by far the best decision I have ever made in my life. The second best decision was to include that last sentence ;)
Sunday, July 10, 2011
And away we go...
A quick summary of my life:
My wife, Emily, and I have been married for (oh crap - I hope this is right) 14 years as of this August. We have three wonderful children and live just outside of Nashville, TN after moving here in 2006 with Blue Bell Creameries. I love my God, my family, my church home, and my job. Wow, that only took three sentences? I am going to have to go deeper...
The reason for the blog? Like previously mentioned, I have three extremely amazing kids that I live for each day. Brady is 6, Alex is 4, and Katelynn is 2. I want to give them an opportunity to one day have something in concrete form that will allow them to know more about who their dad really is and what floats around in my brain when traveling through our daily struggles, love, and laughter. Think of it as a "behind the scenes" of our parenting experience. This is probably why we will attempt to shield them from computers until they are 18 so I don't screw up and give up all our secrets, although I am sure there will be enough challenges at that time to occupy our time. I also want them to know that there is a purpose for them and that I believe that God has placed them on this Earth for a very important and specific reason. The funny thing is that we may go through our lives without ever knowing what that reason was, but every life you touch can have an exponential impact down the line. I am not even sure of mine yet, but I hope that through writing this I can have a better, more clear understanding of what that might be so I don't let those opportunities slip by. I think it is important to understand that we don't, and probably never will, have things "all figured out" and that is okay.
The reason for the title? This one was pretty easy. While Emily was in Chicago on a business trip the last four days, I was driving the kids out to a drive-in movie on Friday night. (Sidebar: If you are going to show "Cars 2" at the drive-in, make sure it is the FIRST movie you show and not the second! Why would anyone have to suffer the "Zookeeper" at any point in their lives, but especially while waiting until it is finally over, 11:00 pm, for three little ones to watch the movie they came to see????) Okay, I'm back. Man this thing really is therapeudic! Okay, where was I, oh yeah, the reason for the title. I had kind of a cool moment while stopped at a red light. I looked in the rearview mirror like I do several times to make sure nobody is pinching, pulling, hitting, or spitting (yes, sometimes Emily rides in the back) and while staring at my three children it hit me as funny that while looking through a rear-view mirror, I was actually seeing the future of our family. I am excited to see how that future unfolds and am anxious to begin documenting that adventure for us to read as time goes on.
I think the best approach to catch up on where we are is to look back at what got us here (see, the title works in so many ways!). My plan is to recap how we got to our current state of life first and then take it from there for as long as I can continue to stay motivated. If I continue to think of the view from that rear-view mirror, then the motivation should come rather easily.
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